I Miss My Gran’Kathryn, everyday! I am Beyond Blessed to Have Been Named Laura Kathryn, From This Amazing Gran’Mother, of mine!

I wish I could transport myself, back in time, and hug my Gran’Kathryn, again. It eases the pain, to know she really loved me, when no one else would, in my family. I miss her, terribly, and one day we will reunite, and catch up in person, like we used to every chance we could. Until that day comes, she lives in my prayers, and she is my guardian angel!

My Desire to Become a Fashion Model/Icon, Professionally, and the Winner of Season 3, of The Fashion Hero!

I never believed I could be a model. I had an obsession with fashion and beauty, but was constantly shamed, for my looks, by my mother, all my life. Truthfully, it began to eat at me, around 14. It started with my mom, asking me to show her how I put on my makeup, and I said, “NO!” Life was always hard, but now it’s my life to live, I share my own space, with my wonderful husband for 8 years of marriage ( tomorrow) and 14 years, together, total!

It took me 25 years, to make me stop, and coach myself, and say….she does not have a right to tell me what makes me beautiful. It’s whatever makes me feel beautiful, that makes me beautiful, and she could not clearly see what makes me feel beautiful. Well, I have since entered a beauty competition on a reality tv show! I have actually been it for years, and they have had a lot of hurdles interfere with their ability to produce the second season, and third season ( the one I am ,hopefully going to be competing on.) Its a reality tv show, called The Fashion Hero. I am going to attach my profile, for those who would like to to find out more , but if someone out there sees this, and wants to know more, you can google the name of the show or tweet to @TheFashionHero and hashtag them at #TheFashionHero https://www.thefashionhero.com/participants/vote/laura-book/ Also, if you would like to vote, it costs money, but I am so grateful, for any of your support. The cost of the votes goes down in value, the more you buy in a bundle.

Learning to Feel Sexy in My Own Skin

From age 15 to 25 my friends and I would sneak on the nearby army base at night, or go to a college town near by, and hang out in bars, and clubs. I would go to this one club, Neon’s, and I would put on a Minnie-skirt, and a slinky top, minus a bra, and I would dance on the black box, with a giant glass disco ball dangling above me and 7 or 8 guys would surround me, and I would just sweat and dance, until they made us leave.. Me and my friends would pile in a car, and travel together….and I usually was the DD(Designated Driver,) until I hit 21. The Thing, with my” Hottie Honduran’s proposal was, timing. I was on the base, the last time I saw him, it was morning, and I was trying to get off the base without being caught. It was my last week to spend time with him. I had a decision to make, and I had to make it right then… Germany, or 12th grade… I had life goals, that definitely included getting as far away from this place, as possible. I just knew 11th grade wasn’t going to be the time I made my move. That was for good reason, because I found other opportunities to see SO MANY other countries… One man I got pretty serious with, though, was from Tamil. He spoke Hindi, and by this point, I was in college. I was still working up the courage, to go cow tie my dreams…but it had not happened yet. For two years he showed me desire, attraction, and in some unique ways, support. He made an opportunity for me to model nude for an artist. Then, he took me to this amazing art exhibition to see her art on display. There were 2000 people there. There was a runway, with a gorgeous, Asian model, extremely tall, he was modeling artistic fashion, and he was so beautiful, he was the most gorgeous man, I had ever seen in real life. There were 2 floors with galleries, and 14 galleries total. I felt beautiful. There was this homeless man, squatting in the building, and he came in…and he walked up to my drawing, and turned red all over. The painting was Called Venus, and it was painted using Red, White and Gold. It ended up being sold, and someone chose to put over his mantle in his living room. Years later, I started dating my wonderful husband! He also felt driven to support my need to feel loved and beautiful, and he introduced me to pinup modeling, and photography. I was never paid for this, but I became friends with the lady who owned the business, and we are still friends, 13 years later. Below, I will attach pictures of some of the modeling. My friend who owned the business, gave me free photo shoots, because I brought her a 3rd of her customers by word of mouth! I’ll attach some pictures below!

Always Looking Back, Until You!

My entire life, it felt like I could slip through there arms, and be gone, every time. Finding someone for me to marry, was the only thing, my mother ever cared about, with her 3 girls. I was always running from romance. I was 12 when a older boy at my church began touching me inappropriately. The first time he thrusted his crusty hands inside of me, he was dry, and had warts, and he was forceful. I had a small group of ” Bestfriends” all my life. One of them was 10 years old, and she was 5 ft. 11, and weighed A lot! He was fingering me, and kissing her. She told ” me not to ruin her moment, “and I just cried, but silently! It was weird, and I felt hollow, and bitter, and very very fragile. So, while many things happened with me and boys, I stayed a virgin until I was 25. My first serious wedding proposal was from a boyfriend, in 11th grade, I was a grade behind so I was 18. He was a soldier being relocated to Germany. He was from Honduras, and wanted citizenship, and worked at the local pizza place with all my friends. I was 18, but he was 25. He looked like, LL Cool J , in his physic, but he had buck teeth, and a skinny mustache. He was hot!!!! He knew marrying me, would be a quick route to citizenship, but he was not that kind of person, at all. I honestly know in my heart, I was not a meal ticket to him. He was in the US army, and his pizza delivery job, kept him busy, and helped him meet people. We were hot for each other, immediately, and the feelings got deep, fast, and he knew I had been abused, and that my virginity was important to me the Last time I saw him, I was in his barracks, and we us asking me again… Are you sure you don’t want to come with me… I cried and cried, and then farted the worst most embarrassing silent but deadly nasty smell…and he just lit his lighter and kept talking.. Around 7 years later, when I was 25, I met my husband. I lost my virginity, to him, AND believe it or not, and I married the guy I gave it to! I still ran, though Several times! I evicted him on the lawn twice. I I call off 3 of his 4, wedding proposals. I made him do a year of marriage Counseling, before I walked down the aisle, and 30 minutes before, u told my mom, I couldn’t go through with it…. and my mom said you have to, but you can always get a divorce. My husband, and I dated for 6 years. I moved in with him him 2 days after I met him and almost a month later while doing laundry, I learned his last name, but after 8 years of marriage and 14 years together… My heart is gleeful when we talk, my favorite therapy is snuggles with my husband, and our dog! He gets me! He loves me when I don’t sleep for 3 days, when I have a melt down, when I lose my Job. He loves me when I finish my bachelor’s degree, it get accepted it graduation school. His love is my invisible cloak. He is my safety, my love, and my challenge to grow! I absolutely , positively love my husband more today, then I did on our wedding day. Because the demons of my past, enslave me to science, he is my check in. I am honest with him about mental health meds, mania and depression, and he is honest with me if he is overwhelmed, depressed, or scared…He has sincerely respected me, every step of the way! Over 8 years of marriage and 14 years together, I feel more at home, with him, then anywhere I have ever been. Its nice to know that I can feel at home anywhere my husband and my dog are! SO, now when I look, back, I am not looking for how far behind “he is then me, or if I left ‘Him” in the dust….just everything, that has ever brought me pain or sadness, or suffering!

Let Me Reintroduce Myself!

HI!

My name is Laura Kathryn. My beautiful name comes from my beautiful grandmothers, “Laura” and “Kathryn.” I am going to be 40 this year! I am undecided on how i feel about that. It’s not about shame. I am very lost right now. My soul, is scared, my heart is wavering, but not like you might think. I know without a question, that i am so happy to be celebrating 8 years as Mrs. Book, in one week, and 14 years of growing together. Three years ago, my soul became hopelessly in love with and devoted to our bichon-rescue, Jasper. He is my strength most days. I wake up everyday hurting from an unexplained lump on my head. The pain drives me mad! I struggle with this everyday. I want it to stop…but 1500 milligrams, of Gabapentin takes the edge off. This year is not only my 40th birthday, its also 30 years since I had a ganglioglioma removed from my left temporal lobe. My whole life since that day, I was living ten years younger. I don’t remember my life from 1-10. I have an odd memory, here or there, and I catch a glimpse of the possibility that I am right about it, every uneasy moment, now and then. I struggle with my weight. I struggle with self confidence. I also struggle with my purpose on earth. I have always been able to dream big, real big…and my life always felt like everything could be possible…that is, if I could escape. I’m writing books, several of them, about my life. I live in a southern town, in the USA. It’s actually not that little, because it the second largest city, in the state. I grew up in a home that everyone envied, and I woke up everyday wishing I was dead. Today, I had a first appointment, with someone to see about restarting private counseling. The first thing she noticed in me was my unresolved anger. It’s as real as it was 30 years ago, I assure you. I don’t want to get bogged down in that during this introduction, though. It will all become real, as my life unfolds. I love to travel. I have been so many places all over the world, so far, and most of my experiences were not pleasant, but I need to find happiness in them, if I am going to survive through age 40. I am an artist, but I didn’t allow myself to discover this until I turned 30. I married at age 31, for the first time, and then 2 weeks later, to the same man. I am going to put this out there. I am a very broken human, and on my wedding day, I wanted to run out of the church, and jump in the bed of a truck, as fast as I could. Every time I hear that song by the Dixie Chicks, ” Ready to Run,” a part of me returns to that time, where I was THE BEST get away girl, EVER! However, my husband is so awesome. He’s my snuggle buddy, he’s my protector, he is my compass, and he is also my equal. He challenges me to challenge me in the best possible way, and he doesn’t let me give into self loathing. I would not be who I am today, without him. Thank God, he came into my life, 14 years ago. As my life unfolds. I will be making a pledge to stay authentic! I will say, that I won’t ever tell the whole story, here…I want this to eventually be something that promotes my books, that I get published, as life goes on.

Gratitude

God ,

Right now I feel

A lot of unexplained questions, and fears, and lack of

Trust in humanity.

I know you have a plan for my life, and

That you Spared me to use me.

Unique in everyway, My flaws, and quirks

Do not overshadow my true intentions.

Everyway I can, I thank you, for sparing and preparing me….amen.

Kim Porter’s Funeral

I did not know Kim Porter, just to be upfront. I never met her. She was much Older than me. She was a myth for me, for so long. You know what ,though?!!? I have this inexplicable desire to be famous. I always have.  because I could be like her.I want to be beautiful, I want to be glamourous. I want to model…and yet, my story is so much more than, modeling. Kim Porter’s Funeral, was most literally 1 block from the childhood home where my bestfriend  in girl scouts lived. It was 4 blocks from the home, my life long brother from another mother lived in , as a child…we wandered those streets as children, and I was baptized in the pool at that Humongous Church, that many call Six Flags Over Jesus.  Her Funeral was a spectacle.  It swallowed up the love that her children will never be able to feel in her hugs, again. I was on my way, down that street dumbfounded by the masses, fleeing to church on a Saturday….angry officers, and impatient locals like myself….but this truly was quite a disappointing spectacle.  When she died, I saw it on TMZ, and thought ” How sad”…I thought this because, of her children, and only her children. Puff Daddy was quoted as saying something cliche about How Kim broke the mold…..well, if she was so wonderful, he should have stayed faithful.  Im not going to ask, why he wasnt Faithful…because Ellen Degenerous proved that his ego, is a big old hot mess. Puffy, if this reaches you, good….You have stuck your fishing pole in too many ponds, and now those ponds are drying up and killing what life they had left for the world….and the life that survived it….I pray they have your attention, and that this does not end up like Michael Jackson’s Kids, and Bobby Brown’s daughter. It just blows my mind that all my life, I have wanted to be famous, to have the power to make the world a better place….and the people who have that power…show up in my hometown, to act like they were always there for her.  Come on people….Humanity can do better than this…..As Lenny Kravitz says. ….” It ain’t over, ’til it’s over”