Always Looking Back, Until You!

My entire life, it felt like I could slip through there arms, and be gone, every time. Finding someone for me to marry, was the only thing, my mother ever cared about, with her 3 girls. I was always running from romance. I was 12 when a older boy at my church began touching me inappropriately. The first time he thrusted his crusty hands inside of me, he was dry, and had warts, and he was forceful. I had a small group of ” Bestfriends” all my life. One of them was 10 years old, and she was 5 ft. 11, and weighed A lot! He was fingering me, and kissing her. She told ” me not to ruin her moment, “and I just cried, but silently! It was weird, and I felt hollow, and bitter, and very very fragile. So, while many things happened with me and boys, I stayed a virgin until I was 25. My first serious wedding proposal was from a boyfriend, in 11th grade, I was a grade behind so I was 18. He was a soldier being relocated to Germany. He was from Honduras, and wanted citizenship, and worked at the local pizza place with all my friends. I was 18, but he was 25. He looked like, LL Cool J , in his physic, but he had buck teeth, and a skinny mustache. He was hot!!!! He knew marrying me, would be a quick route to citizenship, but he was not that kind of person, at all. I honestly know in my heart, I was not a meal ticket to him. He was in the US army, and his pizza delivery job, kept him busy, and helped him meet people. We were hot for each other, immediately, and the feelings got deep, fast, and he knew I had been abused, and that my virginity was important to me the Last time I saw him, I was in his barracks, and we us asking me again… Are you sure you don’t want to come with me… I cried and cried, and then farted the worst most embarrassing silent but deadly nasty smell…and he just lit his lighter and kept talking.. Around 7 years later, when I was 25, I met my husband. I lost my virginity, to him, AND believe it or not, and I married the guy I gave it to! I still ran, though Several times! I evicted him on the lawn twice. I I call off 3 of his 4, wedding proposals. I made him do a year of marriage Counseling, before I walked down the aisle, and 30 minutes before, u told my mom, I couldn’t go through with it…. and my mom said you have to, but you can always get a divorce. My husband, and I dated for 6 years. I moved in with him him 2 days after I met him and almost a month later while doing laundry, I learned his last name, but after 8 years of marriage and 14 years together… My heart is gleeful when we talk, my favorite therapy is snuggles with my husband, and our dog! He gets me! He loves me when I don’t sleep for 3 days, when I have a melt down, when I lose my Job. He loves me when I finish my bachelor’s degree, it get accepted it graduation school. His love is my invisible cloak. He is my safety, my love, and my challenge to grow! I absolutely , positively love my husband more today, then I did on our wedding day. Because the demons of my past, enslave me to science, he is my check in. I am honest with him about mental health meds, mania and depression, and he is honest with me if he is overwhelmed, depressed, or scared…He has sincerely respected me, every step of the way! Over 8 years of marriage and 14 years together, I feel more at home, with him, then anywhere I have ever been. Its nice to know that I can feel at home anywhere my husband and my dog are! SO, now when I look, back, I am not looking for how far behind “he is then me, or if I left ‘Him” in the dust….just everything, that has ever brought me pain or sadness, or suffering!

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