My apologies, first off…I am a complete twit when it comes to technologies.I know it’s been a while since I wrote… My husband cleaned my cookies out, and I couldn’t find my site…not kidding…another fun fact about me, I don’t use a hair dryer, I literally dry my hair in the car air vents or by hanging my head out the window… .but I feel like a bird…just twit twit twitting….i Have worked 56 hours this week.
Today, I said a gratitude prayer for all the patients at the hospital, that I work at… and the compassion I saw as I saw it happening ( I said this in the back of my mind). I am not severely religious, or judgmental, as you may already know…I have no room to judge…so, compassion is my focus…I joke about being an airhead on many levels…but sometimes my brain shuts off and my heart navigates, and I let it drag me through the deepest darkest places, so that I can be on level with the patients…I love them so much…really! That mother-nature -nurture -need, just yanks me by the guts, and i feel the tug, like…when you see a new born baby horse take its first steps…wobbly, nervous, a totally different connection, then my speculations of a biological parent to their own child( I don’t have kids)…but none the less, gratifying. They accomplished it…and whatever need they can not meet after their first steps…is coached into them. I was never a great horse back rider growing up, though I did take lessons. The only contest I ever won with my horse, was the best in show…she was by far the best cared for animal there…and though I am by no means, comparing patients , as if they are lesser…they are different…some how, I still can draw from this…I have no plans to have kids of my own…and have always questioned my ability to care for something or someone…but today, when the house supervisor, flooded me with Thanks for de-escalating a situation…I wanted to do cart wheels…because it took the nurturing side of me, that I feel is weak and timid, to make that happen. I really could sing the praises of just about every patient I work with…but now, I have had two situations…where I feel like I am doing something right on a life altering level…the way that it was done for me. It’s like a miracle to me, that I have lived as long as I have…but to know, without question, that what I do matters…makes me twit and flit, and sing to my hearts content…because I really have purpose. I have value. I can do something. I am needed. It’s so weird to have gone so much of my life feeling anything but this. It is like I broke through my glass ceiling…and I am being flooded by a hurricane of love…bruiting, challenging, undeniably strange…that my accountability…my know how…and grace, matters. So…please, when you read this…understand, that I am climbing a hurdle of self doubt, to find, that the grass is still green, and the sun will come up again…there is more work to be done, and I just want to be there, and be a part of it.