I know tomorrow, I have the day off, and I am so excited…to clean my house and get ready for treators…I love dressing up like snow white. In an alternate universe, I would like to be snow white(…before you get worried that I have something else wrong with me…there is not an alternate universe, I am aware of this. ..People take me so literally sometimes..and granted I am very literal, but I always feel like I have to explain my humor… )but getting back to “treaters.” I had to grow up really fast, because I knew I could die…and I needed to understand that…and when I think about getting to give children some kind of happiness that I couldn’t experience…its absolutely a joy…I was a teacher’s assistant once for acting classes, and I was like the static cling for the teachers. I LOVED IT!!!! The kids loved me, and it made me feel like a human, like I was appreciated, and like I made a difference. I can’t wait to do it again for the “treaters.” I don’t have kids, I’m not a Mom, and I have a sister who is an excellent mom…but I read this article about women who choose not to have kids, and very can very much relate…I can not be on my mom’s side of pediatric brain tumors…it was enough for me to be the child with one. My joy for kids, is community oriented…If I can help kids who, like me, felt lost abandoned and awkward…I’m doing what I am suppose to…simple as that. Anyway, I will be posting pictures post Halloween!!! I can’t wait!
As I said in a previous post, I dress like Snow White every year….and in sticking with the Halloween theme, I thought I would write about carving out what matters in one’s life… my husband and I have a tradition of carving out a cat and a panda every year…this is from last night. What matters to me in life is communication, friendship, honesty, loyalty, compassion, and trust. I would add to that list faith, but that is not something I hold people accountable for in relationships. I am kinda of Rogerian in my philosophy on mental health. Carl Rogers was a Psychologist who believed that you treat the person not the illness, he believed in cultivating individuality… I do too… very much, so. Now, when I think about carving out what I want in life, I apply that belief. I wanted to travel the world I got scholarships, and did it.I wanted to prove the true capacity of my brain, and i am doing it in graduate school…But humans are social creatures, and I hold my community accountable to some degree, just as I hold myself accountable,…to being a good human being…I go to school with people who are supposed to be leaders on the front against mental health discrimination, and I see when I am working with them, that they are acting like hypocrites…now I don’t feel all hope is lost…that ship can be patched up and sail again…but it kind of knocks the wind out of my sails when I leave school crying, because again, someone thinks they know me, and they are wrong wrong wrong.My husband is the most loyal and kind person I have ever met. He loves me, despite things that I do that make him nervous or uncomfortable or worried…he loves me, despite my past…he loves me because of my past…and he loves me, because of our future. I am not sneaky, and I don’t lie…and yet, everyone I have been working with in the mental health arena seems to think that I am…now, I take that back, not everyone…but a great deal of people. When I carved my spirit cat…I channeled myself in it, more then usual… an angry, scarred up, looking~ spirit cat who is crooked face, and looking tired…that’s how I feel most days. My husband carved his panda, because his spirit panda…is what he always carves….I didn’t grow up with a lot of happiness or traditions, or love from my mom…I didn’t grow up with a mother who could see value in me…she does all these things now, and I love that she is trying…but I am grown now…I will always be broken…so these images, of my broke down spirit cat, and my wonderful hubby…these are treasures to me, they are relics of a life I am carving out for myself, better then I had it as a child. See My family was soooooo busy reaching out to the poor, cultivating those who had nothing, giving away what we had to people that they felt sorry for…that now, they have nothing to show for their life of philanthropy, but their name on a building. I want to do, because I know that I can be more then my mom is…she paid people to do…and now, she has nothing to show for it…I want to carve my life into a sensitive, and compassionate one…and, just like my husband does not let me get away with being half-hearted, I will not let my community. This is not about politics…its about people…mental health professionals who ought to know better. I want a beautiful life, a rich life, a fulfilling one…but that is exactly how, with my own skills and my own abilities I am carving it out!