I am enjoying this day, so much! I’m wearing my outfit all day, and in stores and restaurants , people are loving it! I am having such a wonderful day off!!! I went to get my ring cleaned, went to walmart ( haha, I am one of those girls!!!) Went to work. Next, it’s shoe shopping and cleaning the house. Where is my 7 dwarfs when I need them!?!?!…
I know tomorrow, I have the day off, and I am so excited…to clean my house and get ready for treators…I love dressing up like snow white. In an alternate universe, I would like to be snow white(…before you get worried that I have something else wrong with me…there is not an alternate universe, I am aware of this. ..People take me so literally sometimes..and granted I am very literal, but I always feel like I have to explain my humor… )but getting back to “treaters.” I had to grow up really fast, because I knew I could die…and I needed to understand that…and when I think about getting to give children some kind of happiness that I couldn’t experience…its absolutely a joy…I was a teacher’s assistant once for acting classes, and I was like the static cling for the teachers. I LOVED IT!!!! The kids loved me, and it made me feel like a human, like I was appreciated, and like I made a difference. I can’t wait to do it again for the “treaters.” I don’t have kids, I’m not a Mom, and I have a sister who is an excellent mom…but I read this article about women who choose not to have kids, and very can very much relate…I can not be on my mom’s side of pediatric brain tumors…it was enough for me to be the child with one. My joy for kids, is community oriented…If I can help kids who, like me, felt lost abandoned and awkward…I’m doing what I am suppose to…simple as that. Anyway, I will be posting pictures post Halloween!!! I can’t wait!
As I said in a previous post, I dress like Snow White every year….and in sticking with the Halloween theme, I thought I would write about carving out what matters in one’s life… my husband and I have a tradition of carving out a cat and a panda every year…this is from last night. What matters to me in life is communication, friendship, honesty, loyalty, compassion, and trust. I would add to that list faith, but that is not something I hold people accountable for in relationships. I am kinda of Rogerian in my philosophy on mental health. Carl Rogers was a Psychologist who believed that you treat the person not the illness, he believed in cultivating individuality… I do too… very much, so. Now, when I think about carving out what I want in life, I apply that belief. I wanted to travel the world I got scholarships, and did it.I wanted to prove the true capacity of my brain, and i am doing it in graduate school…But humans are social creatures, and I hold my community accountable to some degree, just as I hold myself accountable,…to being a good human being…I go to school with people who are supposed to be leaders on the front against mental health discrimination, and I see when I am working with them, that they are acting like hypocrites…now I don’t feel all hope is lost…that ship can be patched up and sail again…but it kind of knocks the wind out of my sails when I leave school crying, because again, someone thinks they know me, and they are wrong wrong wrong.My husband is the most loyal and kind person I have ever met. He loves me, despite things that I do that make him nervous or uncomfortable or worried…he loves me, despite my past…he loves me because of my past…and he loves me, because of our future. I am not sneaky, and I don’t lie…and yet, everyone I have been working with in the mental health arena seems to think that I am…now, I take that back, not everyone…but a great deal of people. When I carved my spirit cat…I channeled myself in it, more then usual… an angry, scarred up, looking~ spirit cat who is crooked face, and looking tired…that’s how I feel most days. My husband carved his panda, because his spirit panda…is what he always carves….I didn’t grow up with a lot of happiness or traditions, or love from my mom…I didn’t grow up with a mother who could see value in me…she does all these things now, and I love that she is trying…but I am grown now…I will always be broken…so these images, of my broke down spirit cat, and my wonderful hubby…these are treasures to me, they are relics of a life I am carving out for myself, better then I had it as a child. See My family was soooooo busy reaching out to the poor, cultivating those who had nothing, giving away what we had to people that they felt sorry for…that now, they have nothing to show for their life of philanthropy, but their name on a building. I want to do, because I know that I can be more then my mom is…she paid people to do…and now, she has nothing to show for it…I want to carve my life into a sensitive, and compassionate one…and, just like my husband does not let me get away with being half-hearted, I will not let my community. This is not about politics…its about people…mental health professionals who ought to know better. I want a beautiful life, a rich life, a fulfilling one…but that is exactly how, with my own skills and my own abilities I am carving it out!
Today is my day off and I am worried about Opinions….You know sometimes I have these colliding experiences where I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something…no one will come right out and say it…but they will whisper and gawk… “I cross my “T”s and dot my “I” s “plenty, and I can’t stand apologizing for who I am and what I have been through…I understand HIPAA( If you don’t, look it up, it’s important), but when a peer in the mental health arena tells me that I need to be careful…I am alarmed…I can’t stand that people judge me based on my parents, who are in the newspaper regularly, BUT when I defend myself by justifying my actions, thoughts and feelings, I am saying too much…I am who I am, take it or leave it! My husband explained to me that it was this person’s opinion, and that was all…which calmed me down…but you know what….WAKE UP WORLD, that is the problem…MENTAL HEALTH CAN’T STAY HUSH FOREVER!!!! I know not to talk about other people…but my business is mine to share…I share my business because I am defending who I am, what I have been through and how I think and feel, and I will never apologize for that.
I’m exhausted, but my husband surprised me with a token gift that I felt compelled to blog about. Meet Chaz, my spirit animal. Isn’t he just so dang cute!?! I love that my husband thinks to surprise me…he is so generous with his life and his emotions. He is respectful, and loving…and I have only known one other person like that…my dad,but I won’t keep beating that horse. Sometimes I feel like he saved my life, not just my dad…he inspires me so much, and appreciates me mind, body and soul. What a treasure!
A breath of fresh air,
A drive through fall leaves
Sunshine peeking through
a Moment to breathe
Quiet in my soul, calmness in my heart
Faith that I won’t crumble or even fall Apart
creates in me, perfectly
The sun came up, it was a beautiful day…
None of my blues seemed to get in my way…
Exhausted as could be, I worried I would fail
Until I caught some wind, to sail..
Life is never easy, but knocks were out of range
I came home hungry, which for me
Is kinda strange…
I saw two elderly ladies
Praying at dinner time
In a public place
Which brought peace to mind.
With every time the sun comes up…usually it burns
I chase my thoughts in circles
eeeking out the lessons learned.
But I’m here to make a difference.
others are as well…
My burden’s much to heavy to be carried by myself.
Love makes the world go round,
When our strength can’t keep the spin
Reminding us that compassion exists
We just need to reach within.
People Define hard knocks differently and it is most definitely shaped by one’s circumstances…
And Welcome to my life
Keep thinking you know me, and don’t ask questions!
Next time you want to judge me, ask first.
Over the course of my life, I found myself fightin’ for my brains, my breath, and my body
Could you be a friend? because if you can, you will have one.
Kindness can change the world.
Do you meet your friends in places where you go daily?
Is it more important to seek newness or sameness?
Should creativity foster awareness or heal wounds as it’s first priority?
Can a single person make a movement happen?
Unity or Understanding?
Sincerity or Passion?
Success is what?
Introvert or Extrovert?
Outside or inside?
Nature or Nurture?
Nothing long tonight….I don’t have it in me….Today was a no good very bad day….good night!