SO, I have noticed lately, that in my rushing around through life, I have tripped up. I have had typos in my resume. I have had dizzy moments. I keep, finding myself acting like a “trapper keeper girl”…like I am 5 stars, only because they circle my head when I run into everything. My life has been kind of hush lately for reasons I can not really deeply divulge.
However, I am starting to crave an adventure, and crave stimulation, activity, a reason to be happy. So, I am watching Chick flicks with my mom while she recovers from hip surgery…
I know, not an adventure in the least. Well, I live in a town where we had 11 shooting deaths in 8 days, and most of them happened blocks from my house. Our friend was out in the street in front of his house, holding a guy who was bleeding out after thugs pulled up and blew him full of holes… and he stayed praying for him until emergency vehicles showed up.
We have had our house broken into twice, and yet I love this neighborhood. The old houses. The Park. My Alma Mater high school…every time I drive past it, I cringe a little. I think about the time, when I was wearing 63 lb.s of books on my back, and I fell backwards, like a turtle on my shell…and someone laughed at me and pointed fingers. His girlfriend saw that, and she jumped him, started kicking him, and hitting him…screaming you don’t behave like that if you are with me.
It used to be so beautiful, our lives. Our home. Our dog. Then I lost my job, and the next day, my car was totaled. We make quick road trips every once in a while. We go to Mississippi. We go to Florida. That’s really it, though. I finally have a passport with my married name on it, and I am going NO WHERE!!! It’s annoying. To say the least. I should be excited to be this ” Fat and Happy” stay at home bride, but I am not.
I want to smell mountain air, swim in the ocean, and ” be where the people are. ” I just recently found myself practicum and internship, so I can finish my last year of graduate school… and the more I work to get all the corners to line up…the more I feel I have backed myself into a corner.
I’m not ok. I’m not suicidal. I’m not ok, though. I have no friends. I have no life to be proud of. I am just here. cleaning the house, and watching tv, and just waiting, to die…and the more impatient I get about my efforts made…the more It seems like I am the butt of one giant cosmic joke.
I am not ok with this, because my whole life was this way. Everyone and everything, I ever showed kindness to, backfired in my face, with the exception of my husband and my dog. I hate this. NOT MY DOG OR MY HUSBAND!!!! I hate feeling like I am stuck, every day…in a groundhog day, kinda’ nightmare.
Anyway, I will give more details when it is declared safe…but my life is utterly boring, mundane, and unworthy of discussion…at the moment…and cross everything that this is temporary. You better believe I am!!!!
My husband dog and I ARE going to celebrate the 4th of July with a dear friend of ours! I even bought a dress with puppies all over it! If anyone out there reads this…please keep your pets safe from fireworks, and please take care of our wounded soldiers whose wounds are not visible. Let’s all Love our neighbors as Thyself, this 4th…and definitely love the critters that way, too!